los mil y un cuentos

Translation of an Excelsior article from April 24, 1949

Once upon a time, there was Abdullah M Ravdjee, the Grand Visir of Aga Khan. One day, the Grand Visir arrived in Mexico. Inside his luggage he had a bottle of magic pills, a poisonous cobra and a wonderful collection of Hindu ties bought in the biggest market in Pakistan. At one of the suites of the Hotel Del Prado, a Turkish bath, a private detective, a refrigerator filled with bottles of Champagne, and a half a dozen platinum blondes were all brought to the disposition of the Grand Visir… Again, once upon a time, there was Abdallah M Ravdjee, the Grand Visir of Aga Khan. At first, the people thought it was an ad for a new insecticide!

Soon, however, it came to be that the Grand Visir was just exactly who Abdullah said he was. So much so that the small local visirs decided to put turbans on their heads and under the guidance of Manuel Abdullah Choza Canedo, organised a nocturnal “girl hunt” of which Armando Araujo, the Totonac Visir, said exclusively told the press that ... “Abdallah M Ravdjee is indeed the Grand Visir of Agha Khan. Why then, am I the one that has to provide 6,000pesos worth of pills and Chivas Regal?

Everything was going fine until one day at the home of Manuel Abdullah Choza Canedo, the Grand Visir made a toast “to the President of Mexico City.” In revenge, Choza Canedo made a toast to Rafael de la Colina and Araujo made a toast to Rita Hayworth. Then, tired of running around through the dark halls of Canedo’s home, every single “visir” (using Armando Araujo’s chequebook, mind!) went to the Reforma Casablanca of Acapulco.

There the Grand Visir pronounced… “only in Bombay have I seen such beautiful women” and to prove his point, and in front of all the confused local “visirs”, went to the first blonde lady that he met in the Casablanca and offered her 14.5 kilos of diamonds from the Agha Khan’s own storeroom for one of her songs!

Abdullah’s friends looked at each other straight in the eyes and concluded that “the Grand Visir has just put his foot in his mouth. That blonde lady wasn’t just any blonde lady.” Just then, a mysterious individual came to the Reforma Casablanca asking, “Which of you is the Grand Visir?!”

Araujo instantly hid himself under the table and Choza Canedo took off his turban and threw it in the ocean. Abdullah went up to the mysterious man and said, “I am the Grand Visir of Agha Khan. I come from Bombay. I’m on my way to Pakistan! What can I do for you?”

Minutes later, the mysterious man took the Grand Visir by the neck and tore to pieces one of his ties from his great collection that he’d gotten from the central market in Pakistan. The Visir was astounded and so was Armando Araujo and the other men under the table – they just could not believe their eyes!

Indignantly Abdallah yelled, “Whosoever touches the Visir touches the Agha Khan; he who touches the Agha Khan touches Allah; whosoever touches Allah has his days counted!” Seconds later, under the stupefied eyes of two hundred tourists that were witnessing the unusual spectacle, yet another person, dressed as Juan Charresquedo, appeared at the scene and asked, “Who of all of you is the Grand Visir?”

Without a tie, without magic pills, without a poisonous cobra, as well as without diamonds, and having been the master of the city, Abdallah answered, “I am the Grand Visir of the Agha Khan. Whosoever touches the Visir touches the Agha Khan; he who touches the Agha Khan touches Allah”… For each one of these answers, 5 gunshots were heard. What a mess!

The Grand Visir, whose life was miraculously saved, was screaming with all his might, “An airplane, give me an airplane! I want to leave this monkey island!” Araujo, from his anti-aircraft shelter, kept reciting a poem from Kipling (“If you could destroy your life without saying a word,” etc.). Choza Canedo was yelling, “What will Rafael de la Colina say when he finds out that after Doria Paz gave him the keys to the city, the Grand Visir was gunned down in Acapulco for offering 14.5 kilos of diamonds to a blonde?”

The Grand Visir’s private detective was calling Bombay’s own police force by phone saying, “Excessive ingestion of Hindu pills, nearly take the life of the Grand Visir”; A.C. Blumenthal was hurriedly obtaining a private airplane in which Abdallah could escape the Monkey Island. He kept talking and explaining to whoever was around, “I, Abdallah M. Ravdjee, Grand Visir of Agha Khan, swear by Allah, Abdullah, Neguib Simon and Rita Hayworth, never to come back to Mexico, where my royal blood is worth nothing!”

His aggressors, guns in hand, were yelling at him “this is not a harem, son of Allah!” While the visir said, “Thank heaven Rita Hayworth does not have Mexican relatives, otherwise, poor Ali.” Thanks to Blumy’s quickness, the Grand Visir was able to escape by airplane all the way to New York City where to this date, he is still getting over the frightening experience that could have cost him his life. Thanks to our diplomats, the incident that could have ended in War between Mexico and Pakistan, had a favourable end for the prestige of the Grand Visir and the women of our men! And this, dear readers, what seems to be nothing but a tale, happened just last week, word by word!!

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